Monday, April 21, 2008

Tony Alva’s coolness factor takes sharp dip says, “Arabs are stealing my cool! When do we start drilling ANWR/Gulf of Mexico?”

What Tony was driving to work:


What Tony now drives to work:


AP - Peachtree City GA – The apocalypse is finally upon us. Gas prices have become so outrageous that Tony Alva has had to take severe measures in an attempt to offset the tripling costs of his daily commute to work. “I’ve always driven smaller sporty types my whole life”, Tony exclaimed, “and the decent gas mileage I got was always a byproduct of the smaller more efficient models I’ve owned, but with things the way they are now I’ve had to dig deeper into the Al Gore well”. Mr. Alva went on to exclaim that his worst fear is actually being considered cool by Al Gore and will more than likely elect to wear a paper bag over his head during his drive from Peachtree City to the heart of mid-town Atlanta.

When asked for comment from his family, most mocked, but were supportive of the measure. “While pulling the car out of the drive way, my Father motioned for me to roll down the window. He snickered as I discovered the car lacks even the simplest creature comforts like power windows”, Tony added.

Mr. Alva went on to comment that he’ll be more than happy to bump along in his little beer can car until the government wises up and get serious about divorcing our country from Arab oil, but drilling in ANWR and the Gulf of Mexico will be a necessary step. “Let’s get to drillin’ tomorrow” he was heard to mutter as he slid into the little sneaker car.

Mrs. Alva's reaction was coy, if not a bit elated since Tony's regular car will be availalble for her to toodle around in while their 6 year-old daughter is in school. "It sucks that Tony has to do this, but on the other hand, look how HOT I look driving his car!" she said as she tore out of the drive way to get her nails done.

16 Comments:

At 7:10 PM, April 21, 2008, Blogger Mathdude said...

First you defend "Changes", now this...what's next, you liking King Crimson?

 
At 9:26 AM, April 22, 2008, Blogger milkyum said...

Could be worse.... 14city/20hwy and $3.65 for regular (which I cant use) for me..
My roundtrip commute is roughly 2 hrs daily, so gas is making me crazy. I will occasionally ride to work, but i95 in New Haven is hairy on a bike. I may jump on the hybrid bandwagon this summer.

 
At 9:58 AM, April 22, 2008, Blogger Jackson said...

I commend the move. Keep the Porsche, drive it on Sundays and whatnot, but do the bulk of your driving in an eco-sensible manner. Drilling in Alaska or the Gulf is not the answer my friend. Oil is over. It's bad. Even if we bought no oil from the arabs, and I've always said that that was a necessary political move, we still need to get off oil altogether.

Next time you go for a ride in the splendid comfort and coolness of the Porsche, slap on 'Red Barchetta' and feel the future comin at ya.

I love cars too. I'm looking forward to renting a GTI while in Germany and gettin' my drive on on the autobahn.

When Sally the Mustang goes to the glue factory, we're getting an Al Gore sponsored vehicle.

Fortunatley I don't drive more than 20 minutes a day. A tank o' gas lasts me two weeks at least.

 
At 11:54 AM, April 22, 2008, Blogger Tony Alva said...

Mathdude: Never!

Milk: Same here, about 2 1/2 hours a day. The Boxster can only drink high test. It was killing me. I'd do the Hybrid thing if I could afford a new car, but that ain't happening soon. What's worse, is the incedibly shitty car audio situation in the Honda. That must be remedied quickly.

Jackson: Fact is that the "Red Barchetta" is a long, long way off and domestic oil and conservationis the only real answers for the next 100 years, both of which I support. This could be a big break too.

 
At 1:47 PM, April 22, 2008, Blogger Jackson said...

Nothing is too far off as long as the Lords of America can make money off it. As soon as profit can be made from an alternative energy source, it will become ubiquitous. We simply need a strong leader to convince Americans that it is patriotic to develop them.

 
At 2:27 PM, April 22, 2008, Blogger Tony Alva said...

Can't argue that the profit motive isn't a component, no doubt. We do have some easy answers right now though that could have huge positive impact on oil consumption. EVERY coal or fuel burning powerplant could be replaced by nukes right now. So many opponents to this idea have flipped on this issue (including me years ago) that it's time to do it.

Automobiles are another issue. We just aren't there yet. Putting batteries in every car on the road creates other huge eco problems to deal with and corn fuel is a farce. I like the natural gas idea and think it has the greatest potential, but suspect your original point is a factor.

I'd drive a natural gas fueled Boxster to work everyday no problem:-)

 
At 4:11 PM, April 22, 2008, Blogger coolmomma said...

What kind of beer can is this? A cool kind or ... gasp... not cool kind? I'm not sure I can be seen with you...

Get Sirius radio.. that will cheer up your commute times 10!

 
At 4:17 PM, April 22, 2008, Blogger Tony Alva said...

Coolmomma's answer to the fuel crisis: Get sat radio.

Actually, I think I'm gonna try it!

 
At 4:44 PM, April 22, 2008, Blogger Dave Cavalier said...

Dude, that's a BOXSTER. That's the chick Porsche.

Have you no shame, sir?

 
At 10:22 PM, April 22, 2008, Blogger Bobby said...

I can almost picture you doing a power point presentation in a university lecture hall somewhere. There's a giant graph on the screen behind you. You step out from behind a podium, take out a pointer, and track the peaks and valleys of gas prices and explain how they mirror the "Alva coolness factor."

It really sounds like something out of "The Onion."

 
At 9:53 AM, April 23, 2008, Blogger Tony Alva said...

Dave: I've long gotten over the "Porsche with panties" quote that Sopranos twitchy capo Ralph Ciferetto uttered in reference to my beloved Boxster during one episode prior to losing his head (figuratively and literally).

I've owned a few different model Porsches including a mid 80's Carrara and like the Boxster a great deal. The convertible aspect is well suited for our world down here, and as all Porsches do, it goes fast. so mock all you want my friend, mock all you want...

 
At 12:16 PM, April 23, 2008, Blogger Beth said...

May I have your former ride? I have a short commute, so to hell with the air!

 
At 2:06 PM, April 23, 2008, Blogger Dave Cavalier said...

Okay, I will mock.

The Boxster has a vagina. Just look at the back.

There. I said it.

 
At 2:09 PM, April 23, 2008, Blogger Jackson said...

Best thing about a Porsche; it goes under the side-rail when you veer off the Palisades Parkway on a sheet of black ice.

 
At 4:02 PM, April 23, 2008, Blogger Tony Alva said...

Let's not forget also that after going under the railing and striking a tree, the Porsche will allow it's passegers to walk away safely.

Of course there is the matter of dealing with the fact that you just wrecked a Porsche...

 
At 4:07 AM, May 07, 2008, Blogger Ginormous Boobs said...

I paid $4.05 out here today for gas. The world is certainly coming to an end.

 

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